mE, mYseLf N i

i noticed everytime i blog its when i haf something worrying me…bothering me..on my mind,feel like wana tell someone but cant..need ppl to understand me more?tats y i post it here?i myself dono…

always when frens ask for my advice,i tell them wat i feel but at da end its really up to them to decide wat is good for them.."as long as ur happy,follow ur brains not ur heart n dont regret it cuz u r da one who made da decision" easier said then done huh?as usual….all my life…well not my whole life,i haf tried my very best not to regret watever decisions i haf made no matter how big or small matter it might be,but sometimes it just doesnt work tat way,im not saying i regret da decision tat i made but ppl do haf doubts rite?am i ok to haf doubts?never say never…never be to sure…cantonese like to say ‘hou mau tun’ =contradictive

i think its really funny once i made a decision n wana stick to it…suddenly there r other things,cases,incidents which simply causes me to doubt da decision i haf made..is god trying to test me?but ill get thru it…just need more time to think it thru…n im keeping my fingers crossed tat nothin else bad happens…

something which im looking forward to n actually happy..im going for hol!!!even though im going to hong kong again but at least im going for hol!!! =p n im going wit my darling…happy…n this trip is actually a bonus trip for us,he’s actually going for business there n ill join him one day after my flight n my ticket is free! this is cuz he could claim his frequent flyer points!pretty cool huh…i always c other ppl do tat for their wifes when im onboard but now im getting da privilage,even though its not on SIA but lets hope MAS doesnt disapoint me!haha! im gona travel alone to hk as he will there earlier then me…luckily i always travel on flight or else i think ill be nervous to fly alone!ill be going on da 9nov n coming bak on 13nov,will be celebrating his bday in HK!lucky him! i never celebrated my bday in another country b4!im sooo looking forward to this trip!hope i dont gain so much weight n dont over spend in HK…sigh…

standby…plz dont call me up…i dont wana work…shit,my phone wont ring..i was told some time ago da 1st few generations of da N70 has this prob..dint think of it much till these few weeks when i had standby n im afraid when control centre do call me on my hp i wont be able to be reached then ill be damned!woke up many many times last nite automatically to check whether there are any missed call..tats y i dint sleep well…n tats y i slept till 3 pm today..ahhaha..excuses..in my defence, i woke up 8 am da previous day to go c dentist..was so scared tat they really had to pull out my wisdom tooth but luckily at da moment its not necessary *phew* all smiles when i came out from da dentist’s place..ehhe..

called a couple of my frens to confirm my reunion thingy n they said they will make it n im happy…not normal happy but im actually happy..ppl do make an effort..so lets c who wil ‘fong fei kei’ on tat day..well im in charge of da venue..it will be in sbn but dono which place to go for dinner..this one a big headache cuz it needs to suite everyone in da group!anyway with my inteligence it wont be much of a prob when it comes to food..hah!

u know free ppl like me..think too much…off day nothing to do ar…when all da housemate also not around..da brains too free after sleeping sure think this think tat…many ppl ask me ‘how long ur gona fly?’ ill say i hope for most i hope is 5 years "wats ur plan after tat?" "i dono lar..for da moment i cant think of wat to do yet" tats not really wat is bugging my mind at da moment..i guess im a more emotional person rather then someone who’s always thinking abt da career…i always think tat my bf is da only person who can ‘tahan’ stand me!my bad temper and….well tat says it all..he is such a super duper cool guy who can stand me…im not bragging but my housemates always tell me tat n also tells me…" u ar..dont be so bad can..always show temper.." haha tats me…its actually a criteria when i was looking for a bf then n i found it so goto live with it! tats y i said ‘mou yok hou gau’…i was reading cleo n my horroscope actually asked me to go look for an affair n stop convincing myself tat its(my relationship) all well when it isnt…face reality..i wonder n ponder..hhmmm…deep down inside me i know i love him very very much n i do miss him a lot when im over here n he’s over there…not tat i haf a potential candidate to haf a love affair with but as human being dont tell me it would not even cross ur mind how isit like…if it doesnt cross ur mind then its good fer ya i would say!n after all da 3++ years…in da relationship i mean…half of da sparks haf gone…missing…dono where…there r still some i guess cuz we only c each other like 2 or 3 times a month but wat if we were working together at da same place n c each other everyday…hmm…i wonder how my fren got thru an 8 years relationship man!but everytime i ask him he never give me any tips also! huh!

as i was chatting on da phone wit one of my good frens,he said i c things very openly n differently these days..which i agree…from my point of view i c many things in da airline tat many ppl whether attached, engaged, married still haf a fling or an affair with someone else out there…which i think not only happen to ppl in da airline,but its just as common as ppl who work on ground…i mean nowadays when somebody tells me this person who haf been going out wit this other person for n-years is having an affair wit someone else..i would say ’so’ very normal wat…wat im saying is its really nothin to fuss abt cuz its none of ur business n im sure they haf their own reason for doing it whether da reason is a valid one or not its not for us to judge…but as human being we like to judge n gossip lar..tat is y my friend said i my view haf changed..but wat i told him is tats wat i think but for my ownself to do it is another thing..i may accept it in other ppl but for myself i dono whether i can accept it or not…i always think tat im not tat kinda person…but ohh well ppl do change…hopefully i wont change till there…

i was thinking since i had 1 of da weekends off end of this month…i wanted to haf a reunion wit my seremban friends n also some of my uniten frens…its so hard to reach them..everytime i go bak its seldom a weekend n when it is somebody would be bz..i always felt disapointed..but i do miss them…just chatting wit them for da good old times..i so wana organize something but i always haf this feeling of beeing disapointed tat eveybody will not try to make time or at least sacrifice something to get together..well wat can i say..anyhow ill try to do something n if nobody wana come ill eat all da food n get fat myself!hah!we shall c!

something triggered me today,wat r da boundaries amongst friends…between gal n gal…gal n guy, n im talking abt friendship here not those relationship thingy…

im really not da type of person who opens out to every tom, dick or harry who comes up to me, for me to really open up n talk to a person is not very hard but i must feel comfortable wit da person n this person gives me a feeling which i cant really describe but wat i know is da person would wana listen to me n would understand n most importantly will not judge me(which of course definately my darling could do!)

wat im thinking is ppl tend to take u for granted once ur close to them…they expect u to understand them without thinking abt my feelings…or maybe i give ppl da feeling tat im da type of person who would put other ppl 1st rather then myself(which i dont think tats da case…in fact im a rather selfish person i would say)im just saying maybe ppl should be more sensitive b4 they say something or else u would hurt …u wouldnt understand da feeling if u dint experience it urself..im just saying..be sensitive to ur frens or else one fine day u’ll find out tat ur frens r gona cuz u said something wrong…

but when ur trying to be sensitive u tend to filter out some details n ur friends wont understand ur situation fully….so its a lose- lose situation…its a skill to be mastered which i think i haf mastered only 50% sigh…

so there it is.. something to ponder abt for a couple of mins…at least couple of mins would help to maintain ur friendship

paris…is da city which im at right now..i look out of my window, even da buildings da architecture is simply lovely…just taking a stroll makes u feel like a million bucks!yeah…im exagerating a bit..but its is one of my fav city’s after london which i like for da same reason n also cuz my best fren is there so we can meet up n bitch abt other ppl =p  n u must be thinking since i feel this way wat am i doing here in my hotel room writting my blog…its to early lar..LV also not opened yet…but da damage was done yesterday dy!

no, fyi flying is not at all glamorous…i would always say to those frens who always think tat my job is always like a hol tat its not as easy as u think so…its abt handling human being= da most complicated creature in da world= colleagues n pax..

but i must say i haf changed through these 2 years of flying due to human’s influences n of course myself…as i put on msn messenger " You can only be who you allow yourself to become" which i use to find very true..

one of da reason tat i actually "consider" quitting is cuz of this…i haf changed to a level which i dont like da so call ‘new me’ but i guess its my choice of being da ‘new me’ isnt it? but i dont like it so i am contradicting myself as always…its not da normal wat ppl think abt stewardess changes like being materialistic, for me i guess its da personality part which upsets me a lil, i always think of myself as someone who doesnt change easily n haf my own stands n will stick to it but  once u find out ur favourite quality tat u actualy like abt urself is gone its really kinda sad u know?would u say its my own choice, would u really say  "You can only be who you allow yourself to become" im not so sure abt tat anymore, i guess its really ur choice which path u wana take in life…something like tat…

well these days i haf taken bak my child hood hobby bak= reading! tats da leats i can do…yeah yeah im a boring old gal..but i  do appreciate a good book..i once couldnt put down a book even during dinner time..n for those of u who know me food is actually very important to chuen sam! hhmmmm…i guess only my bf knoes this ‘chuen sam doesnt really share food’ haha very ‘wai sek’ we often fight for food which is actually fun but as usual i win!u really shouldnt eat so much k my lkc…

ohhh btw i curled my hair…mummy said i look more mature..others say i look more feminine..suites me…i actually do like it…diff look n diff image for chuen sam! but i give myself 2-3 months b4 i straightened it bak..ahha so for those of u who never c me in curly locks mean u haf not seen me for at least 3 months dy…hehe

my dear…am i a bit slow to start my own blog in da year 2006…ehheh…i haf always wondered y would ppl wana haf an online diary where everyone in da world can read it…isnt a diary suppose to be private…i guess n i really guess its a way for us to tell our friends wat haf been happening in our lives without really having a cup of coffee wit em..

it has already been 1 year n 2 maybe 3 months since i started flying…n i dono y i still feel home sick at time…i so so so hate tat feeling…i cant sleep cant eat well…thus damn sleepy when im onboard n my level of patience will drop…as if my level of patience was already so high…well…i always tell myself its life n we goto go thru it…but i just wonder y these feeling comes n goes as they like…i haf never ever been good as controlling my feelings…or maybe i dint put an effort to…this feeling is bak after CNY…tats y im writting this..now i remember i started my own blog…talking abt CNY im so so happy to be home..from one day b4 eve till coh 4 then only went bak to sin…spend all da days wit my family n friends…really was a reunion for me…even though i dont get involve in all da activities tat my relatives haf had it going on eg gambling..ehhe…i just like being present..maybe kei poh cih…but i like to feel da warmness of everyone bak at home..cuz all bak together at one time…other then my family..friends…oh my dear friends…i would dare to say sometimes some of da most important friends (which I am da one who consider important n not those who consider themselves)don really know how much i appreciate them..or perhaps appreciate friendship..they really dono how important they r to me..i guess its cuz i dont haf any siblings..n other then family they r da closest to me..(not talking /including abt my dear bf here)they dono sometimes how much i feel disapointed but i do not show it out anymore..its not tat i wana expect everyone to come out for mamak when im bak …i do understand when they r bz wit stuff but sometimes those excuses r really avoidable…avoidable as in sacrifices "could" be made to c their dear old friend who works ina nother country…not tat far though but still….but i feel as a grow up…i did not put those disapointment in my heart like i used to which would turn in anger..but not anymore…i try to understand…forget n forgive even though they haf no idea abt it..but i do know if something bad were to happen to me..they r a few who would be there to lend their shoulders..ears…n all those organs ler..i know they would be there for me..as for da one who’s staying da furthest i must say she is da one who understands me da most..we do not chat on da phone…not tat i do to any of my frens anymore…except my dear old bf…but when we do chat online i could just feel tat she understand how i feel..even though some things other ppl cant help u to solve or watever but for u to know somebody actually undertands how u feel is just enough….i guess my expectations on friendship is slightly higher then my group of frens…i guess but i dono lar….